This is how we do it.

Here's a picture of how I feed the girls simultaneously. I take a break mid bottle and burp one, then the other. We don't always do this. If the girls are being patient or if one is still sound asleep, I'll feed them one at a time so that I can hold them. It takes an hour to feed them each separately and about half that time simultaneously.

My return to work.

I just got approved to return to work part time until May. The girls will not be released into day care from their Pediatrician until May, which is when RSV season (cold and flu) is over. So, I'll be working Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. My parents will watch them those three days. In the meantime, I'll still be searching for in-home care, a learning center, or someone who watches just a few children in her home for Thursdays when I return to work. I think it would help the girls to be around a few other children one day a week. I'm so thankful that my company was able to accomodate us.

Our longest stretch yet.

Wow, keeping up with posts is getting harder and harder. Last night the girls went from 11pm - 4:45pm between feedings! We're getting closer and closer to a peaceful night here and there. The bad news though... Emma, for the second night in a row, spent almost 2 hours crying. We try to take her up to the crib and put her down and she just loses it. Friday night, I laid with her on the floor and that calmed her down. We fell asleep together, which I will not do again. I'm too afraid of co-sleeping. Last night, nothing would calm her. Finally, she let out a couple of horrific screams and just tired herself out and feel asleep in my arms. On the flip side, Emma has been smiling alot more. She's definitely caught up with Madelyn in that respect and they are both smiling at us and we even get a tiny giggle here and there.

We met with the developmentalist on Wednesday. The girls are eligible for weekly services, so every week and developmentalist and an occupational therapist will come in and work with us. The girls are doing great. They are right on target with a 1 month old (their adjusted age) and are even hitting some of the 2 and 3 month milestones. There are a couple areas we need to work on, such as their feedings (they aren't increasing what they eat) and things like starting to grasp at toys. Since that meeting, they have started grabbing at their toy rings/rattles and even holding on to them for a few seconds.

Madelyn can't catch a break

She now has a third hemangioma. This one is on her eyelid. We had a pediatric dermatologist check out yesterday and it's the one they are most concerned about even though it's the smallest in size. She has a very large one on her shoulder that the doctor feels should go away. It may leave a little bit of loose skin though. We will have to take her every 2 weeks to the doctors so they can keep an eye on it. It could affect her vision if it gets worse.

Capillary hemangiomas are typically found at birth. They will grow during the first decade and most will shrink (involutes). If they involve the eyelids, they can cover the eye and cause loss of vision (amblyopia). It is very important that children with capillary hemangiomas be seen by a pediatric ophthalmologist and eye cancer specialist as soon as it is found.

Diagnosis
Capillary hemangioma is diagnosed by clinical examination. It has a typical appearance and biopsy is rarely needed. It appears as a reddish tumor or mass beneath the skin. The eye care specialist will order a radiographic scan (MRI or CT) to see how deep the tumor extends into the orbit (around the eye).

The pediatrician should be advised and the child inspected for hemangiomas on other parts of the body.

Treatments
Observation for spontaneous resolution is commonly performed. If the tumor is blocking the eye and causing loss of vision (amblyopia), then it can be injected with steroid solution. This will shrink the tumor in an effort to uncover the eye. Rarely, surgery is required to remove very large tumors.

The pediatric ophthalmologist will likely suggest that the other "good" eye be periodically covered with a patch to strengthen the "bad" eye and prevent vision loss.

She certainly doesn't seem to be bothered by it yet!

The girls pictures from November

Click here to view month 3 at the Mayer house!

Me, the girls who's glass is always half empty? Me, the anxiety ridden mother of twins?

I'm strong? I'm positive? You are talking about me? I got a few emails yesterday from some wonderful women that are either have trouble trying to conceive or are pregnant with twins. They told me they look to my blog because I'm so positive and have gone through so much. That I help ease their anxiety and give them hope. It feels amazing to hear that. I'm always so down on myself. I always feel anxious. I feel like I'm never truly positive. Not a pessimist either... more like a realist.

Then I think back to all we have been through. To all I have been through. Before my husband and I got married, I went through a horrible divorce. Going through that, I think, helped make me stronger. Going through everything with the girls makes me a rock. I look back at how I felt at each point in our journey. I never thought we'd actually get pregnant. I got to a point where I couldn't even imagine actually carrying a child, let alone two. Then, we got pregnant and through every step of pregnancy I worried. I just knew I wouldn't make it to 36 weeks. However, I never thought they would be so early. I sat in that hospital on bedrest for 2 weeks worrying about how much medical help our girls would need if they were born that day or the next. If they would be okay. In the NICU, I couldn't believe how hard it was to go in and out of that hospital every day without our girls in our arms. To see them with those wires and tubes. All the tests, all the worry. How exhausting it was. We just went day by day. My anxiety goes up and down, but in the end, I guess I really am strong. I really am able to make it through these things. At the time, you just worry about breathing and wonder how to get through the next day. But you do.

My husband is an amazing source of strength for me. He is the guy with the glass half full. He's the one that just knows everything will be okay. He's the one that loves me with all of his heart and gives me more love than I could ever imagine I would receive. The joy of giving him these baby girls that he loves so much is more than words can say.

Life with twin newborns is hard. It's amazing. It's wonderful. It's rewarding. It's full of love. It's worth EVERYTHING we have gone through. I remind myself of this every day when 4pm hits and I'm exhausted and wonder how I'll get through another night of little sleep and crying babies. You just look at them and know everything will be okay.

If you are trying to conceive, know that you are an amazingly strong woman. Anyone going through it, whether it's a year or 5, knows a feeling that so many other women will never feel. Keep going. Whether it's another IVF or another IUI or adoption or surrogacy or so many other paths. If you truly want to be a mother someday, you will. It may not be on the path you originally thought, but it will happen. If you are pregnant with twins, take care of yourself. Carry that precious cargo as long as you can. Know however, that if they don't make it to 36-40 weeks, you did everything you could and it's not your fault. If your child or children are in the NICU, stay strong. Care for your baby, visit them everyday, read to them, keep a journal of their progress. Find support. Email me, talk to friends, find groups online. In every part of our journey - infertility, pregnancy, the NICU and having multiples - we have found strength in support and others going through similar things. We have met some amazing friends through all of this.

Stay strong and I'll keep reminding myself that I AM strong.