Sunday, January 13, 2013

See you in the stars

I wish I had the chance to hold your hand, to see you smile, to see you with your sisters. Instead, all I got was a glance at your heartbeat before you were taken away. I will always wonder who you would have been and why you couldn't be. I will forever see you in the stars at night... My angel.

Our angel went to heaven 12/15/12

I finally got up the courage to post about our loss.

Yes, we crazies decided to try for #3! We decided around October after maybe a year of searching for answer about what we wanted to do. We had 3 embryos left from our IVF with the girls in 2008. We decided to try. Christian really didn't have many reservations, I did ;) I was mostly worried about taking something away from my girls. I was afraid I'd be too busy with a baby to be with them. And of course the physical, mental and monetary aspects of doing a Frozen Embryo Cycle, let alone actually being pregnant again. And what if it was a preemie again?

But, we decided it was what we wanted to do. The chances of another preemie are low. The thought of discarding our embryos vs. trying again, was a huge part of our decision making. Something those that have not gone through what we have may not throughly understand. And I saw the girls with my niece and knew they'd think of a new baby as a gift not a burden. At first I was still apprehensive, but as we got into the cycle, it all felt right. We decided to transfer only one, as I'm a very high risk pregnancy with twins.

Everything went great. Christian was unable to be here for the actual transfer which was a little hard on us both, but he had to be away for training. After feeling some symptoms I decided to give in and test and got a negative the first time. 2 days later, it was positive! We were happy, but Christian still was hesitant has he just couldn't believe that it would actually work after 2 failed attempts prior to our girls.

They called us with our beta results, but were told to be cautiously optimistic, as the number was only 27. The nurse told me he usually likes the numbers to be 100+ at that point. So we had to hold onto hop e for 5 days! Second test was 76. This was still not as high as he had hoped and was again told to be cautiously optimistic. And this is why I like to have this blog - to remember all of this because I can not seem to remember what the third number was... I think it was 300. At that point the Dr. was happy and we were scheduled for our first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks. We were excited, but I had been having some pain on my left side and those numbers just had us scared.

We went into the doctor's office and the technician showed us the babies heartbeat. She then told us she needed to show these to the doctor because she was not sure if the baby was where she should be. We were sent out to the lobby with a picture of our bean and told that things were not looking good and that the doctor would be out to talk to us. For about 30 minutes we sat in the lobby. I was crying and holding onto that picture, not looking at it. The doctor came in with 2 nurses, and we just knew it was bad. He showed us a picture of the uterus and where our baby was.... in the upper right part of the uterus. Close to the tube but not in it. A very, very rare ectopic. He immediately sent us to radiology in the hospital for a second look. Again, the technician showed us the heart beat and told us how great it was - which was just heartbreaking for us because no matter how good - it was probably not viable.

She then called the ultrasound doc in who broke the news to us that it was indeed a cornual pregnancy and he was very sorry. We were sent back upstairs to meet with our doctor, who again came in with three nurses.

He told us our options were either to use medication to end the pregnancy or to have surgery. My immediate thought was that I did not want to experience a miscarriage. I wanted surgery. He also wanted surgery, as he was worried about my uterus bursting before the medication had time to work, which could have been fatal.

We were immediately admitted and I had a laproscopic surgery the next morning to remove our angel at 6.5 weeks. When I woke, I found out they removed my left tube as well as the corner of my uterus which was resectioned. It took a good 2+ weeks for me to feel fully recovered physically and even know I feel some adhesions when I'm bloated.

Mentally, I'm all over the place. I was so ready to tell the girls that night of the ultrasound that they were going to have a baby brother or sister. I was so happy not to ever go through another fertility treatment again. And now we still have two embryos left and no baby. I get mad at my body. Why? I mean this is my 4th surgery since 2004 and the chance of this type of pregnancy like 1%.

We're scheduled to talk to Maternal Fetal Medicine in February, which is a step up from a OB/GYN to get their thoughts on another pregnancy. There are thoughts in the medical world that a re-sectioned uterus may mean that you can't carry full term, but thoughts vary on this. If there is any risk at all, we won't even consider it.

And do we want to try again? I don't think either of us really knows. We have Disney in September, so if we did anything it would be after that.

The other part of this that is just so hard is how many people don't understand. And I guess that you can't if you haven't been through infertility, been through the NICU, had twins, and lost a baby. A very common reaction is why do you need another kid - you are blessed with two. Or WHY would you want three kids? And to that I ask  - if you had frozen versions of your children in a test tube somewhere - would you just throw them away and not give them a chance? It's just not a easy as saying okay, we're done. All that being said - we may make that decision to discard. It will be OUR decision and I hope that whatever we decide -we'll find peace with it.