Saturday, December 13, 2008

Me, the girls who's glass is always half empty? Me, the anxiety ridden mother of twins?

I'm strong? I'm positive? You are talking about me? I got a few emails yesterday from some wonderful women that are either have trouble trying to conceive or are pregnant with twins. They told me they look to my blog because I'm so positive and have gone through so much. That I help ease their anxiety and give them hope. It feels amazing to hear that. I'm always so down on myself. I always feel anxious. I feel like I'm never truly positive. Not a pessimist either... more like a realist.

Then I think back to all we have been through. To all I have been through. Before my husband and I got married, I went through a horrible divorce. Going through that, I think, helped make me stronger. Going through everything with the girls makes me a rock. I look back at how I felt at each point in our journey. I never thought we'd actually get pregnant. I got to a point where I couldn't even imagine actually carrying a child, let alone two. Then, we got pregnant and through every step of pregnancy I worried. I just knew I wouldn't make it to 36 weeks. However, I never thought they would be so early. I sat in that hospital on bedrest for 2 weeks worrying about how much medical help our girls would need if they were born that day or the next. If they would be okay. In the NICU, I couldn't believe how hard it was to go in and out of that hospital every day without our girls in our arms. To see them with those wires and tubes. All the tests, all the worry. How exhausting it was. We just went day by day. My anxiety goes up and down, but in the end, I guess I really am strong. I really am able to make it through these things. At the time, you just worry about breathing and wonder how to get through the next day. But you do.

My husband is an amazing source of strength for me. He is the guy with the glass half full. He's the one that just knows everything will be okay. He's the one that loves me with all of his heart and gives me more love than I could ever imagine I would receive. The joy of giving him these baby girls that he loves so much is more than words can say.

Life with twin newborns is hard. It's amazing. It's wonderful. It's rewarding. It's full of love. It's worth EVERYTHING we have gone through. I remind myself of this every day when 4pm hits and I'm exhausted and wonder how I'll get through another night of little sleep and crying babies. You just look at them and know everything will be okay.

If you are trying to conceive, know that you are an amazingly strong woman. Anyone going through it, whether it's a year or 5, knows a feeling that so many other women will never feel. Keep going. Whether it's another IVF or another IUI or adoption or surrogacy or so many other paths. If you truly want to be a mother someday, you will. It may not be on the path you originally thought, but it will happen. If you are pregnant with twins, take care of yourself. Carry that precious cargo as long as you can. Know however, that if they don't make it to 36-40 weeks, you did everything you could and it's not your fault. If your child or children are in the NICU, stay strong. Care for your baby, visit them everyday, read to them, keep a journal of their progress. Find support. Email me, talk to friends, find groups online. In every part of our journey - infertility, pregnancy, the NICU and having multiples - we have found strength in support and others going through similar things. We have met some amazing friends through all of this.

Stay strong and I'll keep reminding myself that I AM strong.

Friday, December 12, 2008

so. tired.

Some days are worse than others, and today is one of them. I did get to nap for 1/2 hour with the girls. Today I took them upstairs for a nap in their crib instead of the usual mini-naps in the boppys (they are never unsupervised in them) and swings. I guess it went over okay. I had hoped for a 2 hour nap. We'll try again tomorrow. I think it may still be way to early to try to dictate when they nap. The girls are now going about 4 hours between feedings at night BUT the last few nights they have each woken up at one point during the night, crying for about an hour. We are pretty sure it's due to being constipated from now adding oatmeal cereal to their formula. I feel so bad for them. And us :)

I'm going to call a night nurse that I got the name of from another mother of twins. We may try to use her one or two nights a week to get a little break and to have her help us with sleep training. We'll meet with her first and see if we all think it's something we would benefit from. In the meantime, I'm trying to do most of our Christmas shopping online. This weekend, we're going to drop the girls at my parents to head out for our first "real" Christmas tree. I agreed to a small one to see if it works for us. I'm very afraid of what the cats will do to a real tree!


These are the announcements I designed for the girls. I played up the "pair" and designed the back of the cards to look like playing cards. Please ... if you did not receive a card do not be offended. We had a ton to send out and may have missed a few as we tried to keep the numbers down.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Emma - our lil' peanut

Mady imitating mommy

Neither one of us can seem to get enough of this new "game". While trying to get photos for Christmas, she wouldn't stop sticking out her tongue!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gaa Gaa Goo Goo?

Little Emma said her first "Gaa" today as I was changing her diaper. So cute!