Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Some pics from our Idlewild, Zoo and Baptism weekend with the fam

The baptism

Idlewild Park

The Colorado Mayers: Michael, Abby, Izzy and Julie



2 Crawlers and catching up.

Mady has now picked up on her speed and curiosity! They both now venture out of rooms and on to anything and everything that is within their reach. It's so exciting and wonderful yet horrifying because we really have to make sure we leave nothing on the floor or within their reach. The gates are up and the outlets are blocked. Next up is the cupboard locks and toilet locks. I also think we should invest in a tv wall mount to keep it from falling over on the girls. It's so light and so easy to tip over.

Emma seems to think "no" is a funny word because every time I say "Emma, no" (which is quite often these days) she turns and looks at me and laughs!

They both love "peeking" around corners and really looking for things that they drop or if we leave the room. It's really cute. Emma is now speaking in gibberish. She really tells some great stories.

Last night they had rigatoni for the first time as a finger food and loved it. Mady did get sick afterwards though...

And on the medical front, Mady's latest ultrasound results showed that a few of her internal hemangiomas have reduced in size. There are a few that are still about the same size, so we'll repeat the test again in 3-6 months. All in all, good news!

What I really didn't get to add to my "still grieving" post is just how much I LOVE being a mom. I had such a hard time even visualizing myself as a mom or how in the world I'd pull it off with two. It is by far the best thing that has every happened to me. (Okay, it's tied with marrying my dear hubby).

Pictures coming....

June pics!

You can see the girls 9 month pictures from June and from their NICU Reunion at the zoo here:

Emma and Mady - June

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I still grieve.

I still grieve for us and our girls. I know that we are so incredibly lucky. We have friends that lost their children, those that went through intense surgeries, those that had developmental delays. We have to two very healthy, thriving little girls. But, there are days when I just cry. Every little one is special. Every baby is a blessing. But a preemie is just different in so many ways. I can actually say that I never once feared losing my girls, but the truth is in those first days, it could have happened. Madelyn's lungs were not mature enough and she needed alot of help. Seeing your children turn blue more than once is just not something a parent should ever need to see. Nor having a child so small that she can be held in the palm of your hand.

I grieve over the time that we missed at home with our girls while they spent their 63 days in the NICU getting poked and proded, getting tests and shots, breathing treatments and x-rays, blood transfusions and MRIs. A friend of ours has a whole different perspective and he's right – preemie parents actually get extra time with their kids. We had 2.5 extra months with our girls that other parents wouldn't have. But that time was hard. Working from 9-3 then spending 3-10pm at the hospital. Taking turns from one baby to the other. Reading to them, holding them, feeding them, singing to them and talking to them. Waiting and waiting for the day that things got better. Waiting for the next step forward and not backward. Waiting even longer for the day we could all go home.

I grieve over my failure to carry my girls. Yes, I know it wasn't my fault. Yes, I know I did everything I could to keep those girls safe. But, it's only natural that I feel partly responsible. I feel angry that my body just couldn't do the job. I worry about any future attempts at pregnancy... if we choose to do this again!

I grieve over missing the excitement of their birth. We didn't have time to grab the camera. We didn't have time or the proper conditions to have our brothers with us. We didn't even have time to really process the whole thing until days later. It brings me to tears as I sit here typing this when I think about the moment the doctor said, "this is not your fault, you did everything you could." At that point I was too far dilated and we had to proceed. The fear we had that morning at 29 weeks when I was having contractions. The fear we had three weeks before when I was hospitalized for two weeks.

All of this. Every single second of it was worth it. These girls have brought more joy to me than I can even express. Yes, having twins is hard work. Yes, I am almost always tired and overwhelmed. But we have two beautiful little girls that fill our hearts to the very tippy top. I'm often asked, "How do you do it? I can't even do it with one!" My answer is... I can't imagine it any other way. I can't imagine not having two girls smiling up at me. I can't imagine my heart being full enough with just one.