I still grieve for us and our girls. I know that we are so incredibly lucky. We have friends that lost their children, those that went through intense surgeries, those that had developmental delays. We have to two very healthy, thriving little girls. But, there are days when I just cry. Every little one is special. Every baby is a blessing. But a preemie is just different in so many ways. I can actually say that I never once feared losing my girls, but the truth is in those first days, it could have happened. Madelyn's lungs were not mature enough and she needed alot of help. Seeing your children turn blue more than once is just not something a parent should ever need to see. Nor having a child so small that she can be held in the palm of your hand.
I grieve over the time that we missed at home with our girls while they spent their 63 days in the NICU getting poked and proded, getting tests and shots, breathing treatments and x-rays, blood transfusions and MRIs. A friend of ours has a whole different perspective and he's right – preemie parents actually get extra time with their kids. We had 2.5 extra months with our girls that other parents wouldn't have. But that time was hard. Working from 9-3 then spending 3-10pm at the hospital. Taking turns from one baby to the other. Reading to them, holding them, feeding them, singing to them and talking to them. Waiting and waiting for the day that things got better. Waiting for the next step forward and not backward. Waiting even longer for the day we could all go home.
I grieve over my failure to carry my girls. Yes, I know it wasn't my fault. Yes, I know I did everything I could to keep those girls safe. But, it's only natural that I feel partly responsible. I feel angry that my body just couldn't do the job. I worry about any future attempts at pregnancy... if we choose to do this again!
I grieve over missing the excitement of their birth. We didn't have time to grab the camera. We didn't have time or the proper conditions to have our brothers with us. We didn't even have time to really process the whole thing until days later. It brings me to tears as I sit here typing this when I think about the moment the doctor said, "this is not your fault, you did everything you could." At that point I was too far dilated and we had to proceed. The fear we had that morning at 29 weeks when I was having contractions. The fear we had three weeks before when I was hospitalized for two weeks.
All of this. Every single second of it was worth it. These girls have brought more joy to me than I can even express. Yes, having twins is hard work. Yes, I am almost always tired and overwhelmed. But we have two beautiful little girls that fill our hearts to the very tippy top. I'm often asked, "How do you do it? I can't even do it with one!" My answer is... I can't imagine it any other way. I can't imagine not having two girls smiling up at me. I can't imagine my heart being full enough with just one.
2 comments:
I as well had twins at 29 weeks and even though they are now home, healthy and thriving, I find myself grieving the abrupt end of my pregnancy and crying when I see or hear about babies hospitalized. I cannot bear to look at the photos of my beautiful babies when they were just days old, and am not sure when I will be able to. I as well was told that I was not to blame for needing to end the pregnancy, but as a mother, it is very hard to hear and accept that the safest place for your babies is not in your body. I hear your comments and second all of them. I am so glad to read about your girls, your experiences in the NICU provided me with info that I never dreamed I would need. I thank you.
I had my twins at 35 weeks and I don't know what its like for 63 days in the NICU, but 2 weeks is LONG enough! Yes, its so hard and I am so tired and overwhelmed, but those 2 smiles fill your heart up with SO MUCH LOVE, I can totally relate to you on that! :)
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