As infertiles, my husband and I have been through everything. It's been 25 cycles. I've had 1 IUI, 2 IVFs, acupuncture, herbs, yoga, counseling and have stood on my head. I've done it all and basically know it all. When you go through this, you gain some sort of control by empowering yourself with all the knowledge you can take in about infertility. Below is a list of things not to say to anyone... whether you know if they are going through infertility or not. We know that everyone means well, but when you really think about what we are going through ... I mean really think about what it must be like to want a child more than anything in the whole world ... something that comes so easily to everyone else.
"--any complaint about your current pregnancy--"
I would give anything to have morning sickness.
"Do you need to borrow some my husband's swimmers!"
"I had a neighbor who tried for years, and once they adopted, poof! - They got pregnant!"
"Why don't you just adopt"
"Once you stop trying you will get pregnant"
5% of those struggling with infertility then go on to get pregnant during or after they adopt. The reason it seems higher is because you hear the good stories.
"Miscarriage is just soooo common you know."
"It's probably for the best."
"It probably wouldn't have been a healthy baby anyway."
"At least it happened early."
(the above are regarding miscarriage)
"Are you pregnant yet?"
Believe me the answer is still no, and I'll be shouting it over the rooftops when it does happen.
"I don't know what to say, I never had any trouble having babies."
"Just relax"
"Stress wont help"
"You need to calm down"
"Don't think about it so much"
"TAKE A VACATION!"
"You'll never get pregnant if you are stressed out"
"Maybe you're trying too hard."
Ah, my favorite "category" JUST RELAX. I mean, what a simple solution! Here's the thing 90% of IF's have a medical condition that causes their IF. So guess what? Relaxing won't help. And imagine trying to relax when you are going through the most stressful time in your life. An ongoing life crisis. Month after month of pitfalls. Holding on to hope that all the shots, all the money, all the tears will have an end soon. Studies are still out on whether stress is a factor or not. It CAN cause delayed ovulation in some. However, most of us are at the point where we are triggered for ovulation anyway. And believe me I do TRY to relax.
"You're still young you have plenty of time"
Well... I want a child now. I don't have plenty of time. I have a disease growing inside of me that keeps getting worse. My eggs are getting older and so am I. I didn't want to have a child after 35.
"God has a plan"
"It will happen, I just know it"
"If it is meant to be, it will happen"
"Enjoy this now while you have your freedom"
After $30K dollars on infertility and 2 years of our time I think we MAY have thought this through.
"Maybe it's a sign that you're just not meant to have biological children"
"It's not that big of a deal, some people never have kids"
"So and so tried for 8 years and then they got pregnant"
Okay, well I don't have 8 years nor do I want to even think that it might take me another 6 years to have a baby.
1 comment:
my favorite one similar to the biological children said by my coworker "If God wanted you to have a baby, he'd give you one!"
when she complains how she's 31 and unmarried, it takes EVERYTHING for me to not say If God wanted you to get married, he'd give you a husband, GEESH, some people just don't think!
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